Janice on Voice of Europe

Mrs May: Let’s kick this Brexit row into touch by going on holiday earlier, the back bench troops will like that, won’t they?

Brexiteers: The public’s perception?

May: They’ll be glad of the break too, a break from all this divisive leaving talk.


Brexiteers: What they expect us to do is to continue to work to get a Brexit solution to put to the EU to deliver what 17.4m people voted for.

May: OK I will cancel the bonus of an early holiday. I think Labour were quite keen. It’s good to be decisive.

Brexiteers: A wise decision Prime Minister. We should prepare for a no deal and walk away from Brussels’ talks to re-join the World Trade Organisation. You do realise PM that we can still trade with the EU under WTO rules for 10 years tariff free, which gives them time to realise they need a free trade agreement with us?

May: Well, we know that won’t work because they won’t accept my Chequers deal, even though I ran it past Angela first, before my own Cabinet and MPs. And as for the WTO I don’t think Angela would like that, particularly her car manufacturers.

And with the votes in Parliament this week, my Remain friends didn’t win their amendments. That Soubry woman is looking very unhinged, kick her off the Christmas card list. And those horrid Brexiteers think they’ve won but I will stop Brexit.

Brexiteers: ‘Sigh’. What’s the next plan of action then PM?

May: No plan, all along I have been fudging to get a second referendum as I believe we should stay in the EU.

Brexiteers: But Prime Minister, we have already had a second referendum. We had the first to join the European Economic Community, which we did, and then we had a second referendum on 23rdJune 2016, when we voted to leave. There will be no third referendum.

May: Anyway, where were the Lib Dems last night, they don’t show up when you need them?

Brexiteers: Farron was giving a talk in Dorset on how he squares being an evangelical Christian with being a liberal and Cable was absent without leave. They have one job, they exist to keep us shackled to the EU, that’s their whole reason for being.

May: I’m a Christian, with lots of values. I understand where Farron is coming from.

Brexiteers: Really PM? It’s a bit like being part of Corbyn’s militia who support Muslims who throw gays off buildings or behead them, or the Holocaust denying MPs and party members of which there are quite a number.

May: Moving on. Anyway, I think it’s quite good that Vote Leave have finally got their comeuppance as the Electoral Commission has found them guilty of overspending and have referred them to the police. Those nasty Leave.EU people have been fined too. Good, eh? Makes my case even better.

Brexiteers: No, not really PM. Remain spent £28.4m and the Leave campaigns spent £13.4m. Internet expenditure was Remain £6.4m and Leave £2.8m. How is that fair, and the interference from the EU and President Obama? And the Electoral Commission is stuffed full of Remainers with an axe to grind. How is that fair PM? [Hat tip to Facts4EU.org for figures].

In addition, the head of the Electoral Commission was on the BBC’s Today programme this week claiming they had asked to speak to Vote Leave’s people, but they had refused, and therefore they were found guilty. Yet emails and tweets show the opposite. There’s a real chance the EC could be sued by Vote Leave. I think you’ll find PM that they are rather driven by a political agenda and rather dishonest about their ‘enquiry’ into spending.

May: Mmmm. Where is Soros, is he helping me?

Brexiteers: Yes, it would appear so, PM. In this week’s New York Times he boasts how in his dying years he is transferring the bulk of his remaining wealth, $18bn in total, to the O.S.F. which will make him the second largest philanthropist in the US. He already has some 1,800 employees in 35 countries, a global advisory board, 8 regional boards and 17 issue-oriented boards. His projects include Remain.

May: Super

Brexiteers: Not really PM. Only yesterday Presidents Trump and Putin were accused of collusion in the US election. Why is it OK when Clinton took money from many despots and the EU helped to fund our Remain campaign? Why does a foreigner like Soros think he can fund various hate campaigns in our country and get away with it, when they’re shutting down his organisations in his own country, Hungary?

May: Is the Irish border threat not working?

Brexiteers: You know that threat was only made by Sinn Fein and the EU to put a spanner in the works. No one wants a border so let’s at least put it in the legislation to stop theirs (and your) propaganda once and for all. It’s also a civil service coup, which you have allowed to happen. And the Irish government have said they will not impose a border, so it’s all just posturing and worse, blackmail, to run rings around the poor public. It’s to confuse them by threatening the Good Friday Agreement. Brussels want them to live in fear of a return of the IRA bombings.

May: OK. Who’s in the line-up to challenge me?

Brexiteers: Many would like President Trump, he wouldn’t have caved in to the EU. He advised you what to do and you didn’t take it. It now looks like you have lost the ability to have a free trade deal with the US. You do realise that over 90% of trade will be done outside of the EU in a few years?

May: Don’t be silly, Donald is President of the US.

Brexiteers: Well, a number of UK citizens quite like the cut of Salvini’s jib or Orban, or Poland’s leaders or those nice Austrians. All of them are standing up for their own national interests and taking on the undemocratic EU. In our party we have a number of contenders but no one is willing to be a stalking horse at the moment. Is that why you tried to organised the holidays early?

And you know Boris is making a play for your job? He delivered his resignation speech this week sounding very statesmanlike, no jokes at all.

May: What’s happening at grassroots level? Are they still delivering the leaflets, having cheese and wine suppers and are we fleecing them for contributions whilst telling them we’re listening to their views, not?

Brexiteers: In Dorset, they’re revolting with 8% already having resigned. Seventy per cent of MP Andrew Bridgen’s membership do not support Chequers, Peter Bone’s association are refusing to deliver leaflets. It’s not good PM. Around 56% of the country think you’re deal is lousy. Additionally, listening to the radio phone-ins, all parties are going to get a good kicking at the next election for not delivering Brexit. There is also growing consensus that there is zero talent or ability across any of the parties. That is a real problem for representative democracy. We have also been speaking to HQ who reckon we’ve already lost 10% of our members and haemorrhaging more by the day. Ukip are on the rise, again.

May: Well, I have taken over the negotiations for Brexit. With David Davis storming off I am now in complete control. And I will be rid of Ukip MEPs by the end of March, so they will just disappear.

Brexiteers: Yes PM, rather a bold step for you, you’ve never taken control of anything and never had a view on anything, no one knows what you stand for, as Davis once said. We did have high hopes for Dominic Raab, a bright ally of Davis, who has now taken over at Department for Leaving the EU. But you have shamed him by stripping him of 50 of his best staff and installed them in your unelected EU advisor, Olly Robbins’ office. You, Robbins and failed ‘I’ve got a big chip on my shoulder’ ex MP Gavin Barwell, shadow DEXU operation worked, it got rid of DD and side-lined and embarrassed him by Barwell and Robbins dealing directly with Barnier and co. It’s hard to see how an intelligent Brexiteer like Raab can stay on in the post. But we have high hopes for him if he does stay in post. In fact Raab is rather a clever ex-lawyer who’s speciality was the EU and WTO rules. I think he’ll be a match for Barnier and will get his own back on you, Robbins and Barwell for preparing for a no deal.

Oh, PM, why can’t you just submit to the will of the people? What is so special about the EU? Most of their apparatchiks will be gone in less than a year. Drunken Juncker, Tusk, Barnier et al, they’ll be wiped out in the May 2019 European elections when the new intake will not be appointing this rabble, thank God.

Ukip was down but not out, they’re on their way back. New members, new leader, they’re gaining from Labour as well as us. People are very angry.

May: I’m off on a walking holiday in Germany and meeting up with my friend Angela.

Brexiteers: Good luck PM, she’s facing a critical election in the autumn with most of her party revolting too. You’ll have something in common. You might be dealing with the Alternative fur Deutschland soon, they would also like a referendum on the EU. Oh, and the Swedish Democrats too, the Swedes also go to the polls in September and are likely to win and they also want an EU referendum. So, all in all, it’s looking very bright indeed in the EU.

Bon chance, PM.

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